Prom Night is an Important Right of Passage [My Honest Opinion]

Ahhhh – prom night. Two words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere.

Thirty years later I can still vividly remember my own prom night. I felt like a fairly tale princess in my red satin ball gown hopping into my glass coach (aka limousine) with seven of my closest friends. Yes, prom night in the 90s in northern New Jersey was over the top. We primped and prepped within an inch of our lives, donned elaborate hair-dos frozen in place by entire cans of Aqua Net, and crammed our feet into dyed shoes that started to bleed as we stood in the still damp grass for photos (because of course it rained that day). But it was magical!

Our prom was held at The Palace, a spectacular wedding venue complete with indoor fountains, sculptures, and twinkle lights (long before such lights were common place). If you’ve ever watched an episode of the Sopranos, you can picture it. We dined on a five course meal, although I don’t really remember much about that part other than debating which fork to use when.

The best part of the night took place on the dance floor. We shook, shimmied and swayed to Jump, These Are Days, and Friday I’m in Love. We screamed our hearts out to Paradise by the Dashboard Lights (for one final time). And then, as the cluck struck eleven (we were in high school after all), we wrapped up the night swaying with our arms entwined to Tears in Heaven and End of the Road.

Even those of us who couldn’t wait to get the hell out of dodge got a little bit misty-eyed. And when I think back to those moments all these years later, the memories are perfectly bittersweet.

We skipped the after-party, being locked into a health club until dawn did not sound like fun, and finished off prom night in my friend’s hot tub, before heading down the shore for the weekend. Ah, The Topsider, world’s shadiest motel.

It was definitely a night to remember. A night well-earned after years of hard work and effort. A night that made us feel like “real adults.” With graduation just a few weeks away, we were celebrating our friendship and our futures in a big way.

A few caveats about Prom Night

I am aware that many kids don’t experience prom like I did. Or even at all.

Maybe they play the rebel card and opt-out of high school traditions because they are “too cool.” (Or at least that’s what they want everyone to think).

Maybe they don’t have a date for the big dance. Although, thankfully, this is much less an issue today than it was in my day. (Oh dear, I sound like my grandmother now.) In our area, at least, it is not unusual for a group of kids to go as friends or even to ride out the evening solo.

I know that some kids can’t afford it. Prom night can be an expensive endeavor. (I’m not even going to talk about the senselessness of promposoals. There are plenty of other articles that address that absurdity.) But prom doesn’t have to break the bank (keep reading for some money-saving suggestions).

We also are coming off of a pandemic. For several years proms were canceled. Some kids lost the opportunity to go to prom. And there are still kids, even now, who feel uncomfortable in big crowds.

I know that prom night isn’t magical for everyone. I’m not trying to paint it as something it’s not. And I’m not suggesting that there aren’t ways to make it better. But just because prom isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean it should be canceled or turned into something unrecognizable.

From prom night to party

But that’s what is happening in a lot of places. Some schools are canceling prom night, or at least transforming it, into a totally different event. And I for one am against this practice.

Instead of holding prom at a banquet hall, schools are bringing prom to the high school gym. This makes it no different than any other crappy high school dance. Several reasons are cited for this move: it’s cheaper, it’s more inclusive, it’s dangerous for kids to be driving late at night.

And, I’m sorry, but I call BS!

It’s not cheaper. By the time you pay for the elaborate decorations required to transform a gym into something worthy of seven hundred dollar dresses and a caterer and a DJ and a dance floor (because you can’t wear high heels on the basketball court), any money-savings quickly evaporates.

How do I know? Because my daughter’s prom is in the gym this year. And the tickets are the basically the same price they were last year. Sixty dollars. And for that sixty dollars you get two paper tickets–not even card stock (okay it was glossy paper), jaggedly cut with scissors by the poor prom committee! (I hope they didn’t have to take an essay exam after all that cutting.) I’ve had nicer invite to neighborhood barbecues.

As far as inclusivity . . . there have always been and will always be kids who don’t want to go to prom. Changing the location of the event isn’t going to change that. But just because a small percentage of high school students aren’t comfortable with a formal event, doesn’t mean the vast majority of teens who have been looking forward to this right-of-passage for over a decade should be deprived of the memories.

I’ve seen lots of alternative ideas thrown around from picnics to hoe-downs to carnivals. All of these are great additions to the end of the year festivities. But they should not replace an important and long-standing tradition. And, I’d bet you money the same kids who don’t come to prom won’t attend these events either.

Making prom more inclusive is a good thing. Back in my day, two girls could not go together. Nor could two boys. And you couldn’t buy a single ticket. Girls weren’t even allowed to wear pants to the dance. Luckily, we’ve come along way since then, and now same-sex couples, individuals, and groups are all welcome. But that doesn’t mean that everyone wants to go.

And don’t even get me started on driving late at night. When sporting events and extracurriculars regularly keep kids out until eleven pm on school nights, I don’t think this is an argument worth addressing. It’s not unusual for buses to return our kids to the school parking lot late at night. If driving home after a football game or school musical isn’t a problem, I’m not sure why prom is.

The costs of hosting prom night in the gym

In addition to the monetary costs, there are also other significant disadvantages to holding prom in the gym. For one thing, it takes a lot of work.

The very students who deserve to celebrate at this event are now responsible for making it happen. Form fundraising, to planning, to craft projects, to setting up, and breaking down the party, instead of enjoying themselves, the students have to work! There’s no faster way to kill the fun than tell kids when the party is over they need to spend the next four hours cleaning it up. This isn’t fair.

And I know . . . life isn’t fair. The sooner kids learn that the better. But certainly they can have one night to celebrate?

And that clean up comes on the heels of spending weeks prepping for the big event. In the last two weeks my daughter who has four AP tests, including one the Monday after prom, has spent over twenty hours making paper mache trees! During a time when she should have been studying, she was busy doing art projects because it was “better” to hold the prom at school.

This would be akin to making the football team responsible for planning, setting up, and cleaning up the homecoming dance, which usually takes place during football season. But as long as the burden falls on the smart kids, no-one seems to care.

It’s Not About the Grown-Ups

Of course, the adults don’t really care about the kids at all. It always amazes me how many people who have chosen to work with kids have zero respect for teenagers.

I’m not sure about the process in other schools, but no one ever asked our students what they thought about moving prom to the gym. Like every other decision made for them in high school. this was something a bunch of out-of-touch adults decided without ever consulting the kids. They just declared that prom is “outdated” and unilaterally voted to ruin prom night.

When I questioned the decision I was told, “Kids today are too spoiled. They think they are entitled. We had prom in the gym.” First of all, this not true. The school recently published forty years of prom night photos–all held in a banquet hall. What’s more . . . it’s condescending. Some kids may be spoiled. Some may be entitled. But those things have always been true. And it’s not relevant to the discussion.

If you want to teach kids a lesson about feeling grateful there are lots of other ways to do it. Simply choosing to take away one of their beloved events and rights of passages shows not only bad judgment but also a level of vindictiveness usually reserved for teenagers.

Other parents were told, “Kids complain too much. You can never make them happy. They should be grateful for any dance they get.” And, “No one owes those kids anything.” And finally, “Why does it matter where the event is held?” A curious questions for people who are now insisting it be held in the gym. If the adults, who don’t go to prom, who have already had their own prom night, have so much invested in where the event is held, why should the kids be any different?

These kind of responses make my blood boil. And show how little effort the person has made to get to know real teenagers. Instead, they form their opinions based on some negative stereotype perpetuated by the media.

When the kids themselves dared to question the decision, they were summarily dismissed. “It’s not a big deal. You won’t even your prom night. Who care where the dance is held.” And when the school go wind that some of them were planning an alternative event, they brought in the threats. The students were told if they didn’t come to prom, then they would lose homecoming, too.

I’m sorry, it’s wasn’t a “threat.” Just a warning about the “natural consequences of their actions.”

No one likes to be threatened. But, in the face of such an outlandish consequences, our “spoiled” students begrudgingly opted to go to the stupid dance rather than have another tradition stripped away from the underclassmen.

Yep, even the kids understand the importance of maintaining treasured traditions firmly entrenched in high school culture for over a century.

Prom night offers valuable learning opportunities

Prom night is more than just a fancy party; it’s a celebration of hard work and dedication. Students spend countless hours studying, volunteering, working, practicing, participating in extracurriculars, and balancing their social lives. Not to mention just trying to survive the social hell that is high school in the age of social media. Prom night is a chance to celebrate all their efforts, and it’s an opportunity to let loose and have fun in a very controlled environment.

Prom also teaches important skills. If you’ve ever watched a group of teenagers try to negotiate who’s going with whom, what time to assemble for pictures, how to arrange the place seatings, and what to do after prom, you know that preparing for prom requires patience, compromise, and healthy dose of creativity.

Students also learn about social etiquette, how to dress appropriately for an event, and how to behave in public. These skills are essential for success in the real world, and prom is a perfect way to learn them in a safe environment.

Prom night also teachers kids the value of a dollar. Some teens are responsible for coming up with the cash to foot the prom bill solo. Others are given a budget to stick to. And prom night costs do add up fast: dress or tux, shoes, hair, make-up, accessories, flowers, tickets, pictures. transportation, after-party, etc. . . Deciding where to save and where to spend is another great learning opportunity.

Ways to save on prom night

There are tons of ways to save money on the dress, shoes, and accessories. Rent the Runway and other online rental services allow girls to borrow great dresses at a fraction of the cost. Consignment shops, both online and in person, provide another great option.

Teens can also borrow dresses from friends or hold a dress swap. So many girls have a collection of once-worn dresses just taking up space in their closet.

You don’t need to buy new shoes for every dance. Try buying one pair of sparkly or metallic shoes that will work for every formal.

Skip the fancy car. You don’t need a limo. Luckily, where we live, students drive their own vehicles to prom, so they don’t have the transportation expense.

Skip the salon in favor of DIY hair and makeup. I’m in awe of the amazing hair styles and make-up that teenagers can do these days. And YouTube, Tik Tok, and Instagram all have tons of tutorials.

Keep flowers simple. Whether a traditional corsage or a small bouquet, flowers get in the way on prom night. Smaller is better, and forego the exotic blooms in favor of traditional varieties with low fragrance.

Make it a prom night to remember

Prom is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It’s worth a little extra money and effort.

Prom night creates memories that will last a lifetime. When kids look back on their high school years, they’ll remember prom as one of the highlights of their time in school.

Prom night teaches important life skills, celebrates hard work and dedication, and creates memories that will last a lifetime. It’s a tradition that’s been going strong for decades. And in the words of Thomas Bertram Lance, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” So, let’s keep prom night alive and thriving for generations to come

Off we go!

UPDATE: Prom night was on Friday. It was a pretty big letdown for the kids. The gym was sparsely decorated despite the students best effort and was empty by 8:30 pm. Not enough space for all the tables and a dance floor, a lousy DJ, and a heavy police presence made kids uncomfortable They left the dance and moved on to the after parties. They had fun with their friends at after-parties, many of which showed more thought and consideration for the kids than the big event. Although the weekend wasn’t a total loss, it was a huge disappointment for the kids who spent hours and hours preparing for prom night. At least they got to clean up early.

I’m a strong advocate for teens, for their rights, their thoughts, their feelings. If you liked this post, you might also like this one.