I Don’t Care Where Your Kid Goes to College (Unpopular Opinion)

Yep, I said it. I don’t care where your kid goes to college.

Don’t be offended. I don’t care where my kid goes to college either. 

Actually, I don’t even care if my kids go to college.

I mean, of course I care, I’m not a terrible mom. I want them to be happy and to make the choice that’s right for them. But I don’t have any personal stake in what they decide. None. Zip. Nada.

This is their life. Their choice. And the choice they make about where or even whether to go to college says nothing about me as a parent. Nothing. Other than hopefully, that I taught them to pursue their dreams and that I trust them to make the right decision.

But with a high-achieving high school junior in our house it seems that everywhere we go, everyone we talk to has the same question. “Where are you going to college?”

And holy smokes friends, I’m tired of it.

For one thing, she’s a junior. A JUNIOR! We haven’t even visited colleges yet, let alone applied to them. How is she supposed to know where she’s going?

College is always on their minds

I want to believe the college conversation is just meant to be polite–to show interest in her life. Although, as her mom I can tell you that she would rather talk about just about anything other than college. She lives and breathes AP tests and SATs and ACTS and class rank, all day every day. The pressure is overwhelming. 

If you want to show you care about her, talk about anything else–the weather, her plans for summer vacation, her favorite flavor of ice cream, her third favorite Tik Tok account. Anything. Just don’t bring up college.

But the cynical part of me suspects that these conversations aren’t about her. The person asking isn’t interested in any of those other topics. They aren’t really interested in my daughter at all. The only thing they care about is her college choice. And how it compares to theirs or their child’s.? 

So many parents have an infatuation that borders on obsession with where their kid (and everyone else’s kids) goes to college. 

It’s unhealthy.

Take your ego out of the equation

Part of this is ego. I have a friend who went to Harvard. I know this because she reminds me every chance she gets. I smile and nod. And don’t point out that we live in the same neighborhood, drive the same cars, and take the same kinds of vacations each year, even though thirty years ago I went to a mid-tier regional university (that I loved). 

Her son now goes to a state school in Pennsylvania. I know this because she justifies the decision every chance she gets. 

“He didn’t want to go far from home.”

“He suffers from anxiety.” 

“They have a really good criminology department.”

And again, I smile and nod, and don’t say all the things I know are true.

• Where you go to college has no bearing on future success.
• The size of the endowment is unrelated to the quality of the education.
• The most important thing is that kids feel comfortable where they are.
• Environment shapes behavior.
• There is a perfect school for everyone.
• You really need to chill out.
• I don’t care where your son goes to college.

I just say, “That’s great. I’m sure that’s the perfect school for him.” And she looks at my side-eye, like she’s trying to decide if I’m being sincere or that.

The overwhelming pressure to be the best

There is this inherent competition among parents. At first, I thought it was an anomaly of where I lived. So many people grew up here. Everybody knows everybody, As an outsider it looks to me like they are still competing the way they did in high school.

It started when our kids were young. Who talked first, walked first, read before kindergarten.

Then it moved on to sports and dance and theater and even elementary school art projects way back in second grade. It was never good enough just to participate in an activity. Your child had to be the “best.” You had to go out for travel teams and competitive squads and invitationals.  

One dance class a weeK? Bah! I’ve seen six-yearolds dance for three hours every day after school and four more on Saturday.

A different sport each season? What a waste of talent! I’ve seen kids play basketball or soccer or baseball all year long. And I’ve watched parents shell out tens of thousands of dollars on these activities to give kids a leg up.

Or, maybe to give themselves something to brag about?

If a kid is not “the best,” then often they are removed from the team by the parent and deprived of their chance to play at all. I’m not even going to get into what kind of message that sends to children because that would be a completely different article. 

I’m a better parent than you are

But I no longer think geography has anything to do with it. Especially when it comes to college. This compulsive need to get into the “best” school is common throughout the U.S. Heck, just think about the Varsity Blues scandal that sent Lori Laughlin and other wealthy parents to prison for buying college admissions for their children.

This desire to get your kid into the best school is about more than having a prestigious decal on your car or the right logo on your sweatshirt. It’s got to be, right?

Getting your child into a good school provides validation for parents. They can say, “I did it. I raised her successfully. She’s going to Georgetown. I’m a good Mom.”

Financial security

Of course, it’s not just about winning the parent competition. There is a perception that the school your child chooses will have a big impact on their future earning potential.  

And with the cost of college what it is today, wanting to get the most bang for your buck makes sense. I mean, sending a kid to college requires that you take a second mortgage on the house. And if you have more than one kid, then my friend, you better have more than one house.

I jest, of course. (Kind of.) But I think we can all agree college is insanely expensive.

Which is why it’s important that we really look at this relationship between tuition and earning potential.

I went to a traditional four year university, followed by law school, followed by grad school. My husband did too. Well, not the law school part. He’s crazy in other ways.

They were all fine schools. We got “good educations”–whatever that means. But none of them are going to cause your jaw to drop or make you look at me with a new level of respect. Although, tbh, if where I went to school has any bearing on what you think of me, then I’m not interested in your respect.

Thirty years ago college was a prerequisite for “success”. There was that statistic they kept throwing at us in high school that a college education was worth about a million dollars over the course of your lifetime. Which, if you think about it, is not very much money at all.

But the world was a different place back then. Studies have found that, today, there is no true impact between the selectivity or cost of the school a student attends and their success five years down the road. So, it doesn’t really matter where your kid goes to college.

But most parents either don’t know this fact, or they don’t want to admit it.

It costs a lot more money to go to those elite schools. The tuition is more. The room and board is more. The incidental expenses necessary to keep up with the trust-fund kids are more.

For years, we’ve encouraged kids to go to college whatever the costs. But the true value of a college degree is declining. Especially in an ever-changing world where young people are likely to change careers between 10-15 times. And where study after study has shown that high student loan debt impacts students negatively for years to come. College debt lowers rates of home ownership, prevents retirement savings, slows the growth of new businesses, and delay traditional life milestones like getting married or having children, among many others. (And that source is a bank.)

Going to college isn’t the only way to learn

With the rising costs of college and the crippling effect of student loans, it’s important to consider other options.

Luckily, today there are tons of opportunities for learning at our fingertips. Free courses from prestigious schools like Harvard are available online. YouTube is a veritable wealth of information.

Programs like MasterClass offer great education from leaders in their respective fields. A college degree, let alone one from a school that costs seventy thousand dollars a year, is no longer necessary for success.

College stress and anxiety

College admissions are incredibly stressful. And that’s on top of the every day stress teens are already dealing with. School activities, sports, work, family, friends, significant others . . . There’s also the influence of social media and the strive to be “perfect.”

Teens are also hyper-aware of the world around them. School shootings, climate change, a shaky economy–these are things kids worry about. And the teenage years are already a vulnerable time as kids struggle with big questions like identity and independence.

The pressure to get into the “right school” in school just adds more stress and anxiety. Especially if parents show a strong preference for where their child goes to college.

Forty-five percent of high school students admit to being stressed almost every day in school. They load their schedules with too many AP classes in fierce competition for high GPAs and class rank. They spend countless hours on homework each night, and even more studying for standardized tests. Academics is the number one stressor for many kids, with sixty-one percent of teens reporting that the feel stress over producing satisfactory grades.

Somewhere along the way, students have internalized the message that they should have a career path picked out at the ripe old age of sixteen. This is preposterous. And alarming. Many of them choose majors they don’t even understand because they are challenging, respectable, and pave the way for financial success–at least that’s the perception.

But these kids have no idea what they want to be when the grow up. All my daughter knows is she wants to be “rich” so she can life the lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed (although I would not say that our family is “rich,” we are definitely comfortable). I admire her level of self-awareness.

But in addition to wanting a nice lifestyle, she’s also been conditioned to believe that she should be a doctor or engineer or scientist just because she’s smart. The fact that she’s not interested in any of these things makes her feel like a failure and no amount of reassurance from her father and me can change her mind.

And that’s all without any pressure from us about where she goes to college.

Limited choices

Every day we are bombarded with college brochures, emails, texts, and even phone calls from a myriad of schools we’ve never even heard of competing for her consideration. Or at least our cash. This means that college is an ever-present decision looming over our heads.

Of course, this onslaught of attention lets her know she’s wanted. She jumped through all the high school hoops and has a high GPA and stellar test scores. These accomplishments didn’t come easy. She worked hard for them. There were many sleepless nights and a deluge of tears. But she put in the time and was rewarded with opportunity.

Not every kid is so lucky. For many, high school is a drag. Learning disabilities, special needs, illness, family challenges, economic hardships, bullying, boredom . . . there are a million reasons why kids, including some brilliant kids, don’t fare well in high school. These kids have far fewer options than my daughter does.

And with the hyper-focus of schools and classmates and parents and society on college, these kids can feel overwhelmed. Or worse. Many say they fail like failures because a traditional four-year school is not in their future.

Mental health challenges

High school students face signifiant mental health challenges. Since the pandemic, these problems have escalated. One survey found that about one-third of high school students report mental health concerns as a major source of stress. In 20212, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 37% of high school students reported experiencing poor mental health during the pandemic, with 44% reporting they persistently felt sad or hopeless.

Depression, anxiety, suicide and stress in teen is on the rise. A study conducted in 2018 by The American College Health Association found that in the last 12 months 63 percent of college students surveyed had experienced overwhelming anxiety, and 42 percent reported being so depressed that they struggled to function. Studies also show that overly involved parenting (aka helicopter parenting) correlates to higher levels of depression and lower life satisfaction, lower levels of self-efficacy, and higher levels of chronic stress. 

The pressure to select just the right school, and then secure admission to that school, only compounds all of these issues. For the sake of our kids’ mental health, we need to stop worrying about where [or if] they go to college.

No one right choice

There is no one right choice for where your child goes to college–which is a beautiful thing! 

It doesn’t matter if your kids goes to Princeton or Penn State or Passaic County Community College. Or if she’s joining the army, goes to trade school, or takes a gap year to backpack through Europe. (I wish I had done that). 

Maybe your daughter is a tech genius and launches a new app and becomes an entrepreneur at eighteen. Maybe your son is super ambitious and loves to work outside and starts a landscaping company that grows like a bad weed (pun intended) and is hiring employees before he graduates high school.

All of those options are amazing! That’s why I really don’t care where your child goes to college.

There are a myriad of ways kids can be successful today. And they don’t have to have all the answers at the ripe old age of eighteen. I sure didn’t. 

Wherever your child goes to college, it says nothing about your worth or efficacy as a parent. You got to make your choice, now let them make theirs. 

So please, stop asking me where my kid is going to go. And please, stop asking her. It’s not really any of your business where my kid goes to college.

Let’s just talk about something else already?

Off we go!

PS: If you like I Don’t Care Where Your Kids Goes to College you may also like What’s Wrong with Perfect Attendance Anyway? or Beat the Clock: How We’re Brainwashing our Kids that Busy is Best.