I’m sorry, but you need to stop apologizing now
Chances are, if you identify as female, you probably need to stop apologizing. Pronto!
And no, I’m actually not sorry for pointing that out.
Last week my daughter and I went prom dress shopping. We had an amazing time. And she got the perfect dress. I never understood the phrase “her face lit up with joy” until I watched my daughter’s face when she saw herself in the mirror for the first time. She was radiant!
Sorry, can’t share photos yet. Prom is still two months away.
We traveled to Columbus to buy the dress and had a girls’ night in the “big city.” After a nice dinner, we popped into a Nespresso store. It was the first time I’d seen a Nespresso store, let alone been inside one. You’ve got to understand, we live in the middle of nowhere. But this was a momentous occasion for us both as we are obsessed with coffee and have had a Nespresso machine (that we don’t use nearly enough) for the last year.
I need to stop apologizing
We decided to buy some flavored espresso pods, something that is not easy to find online. We chatted with the cashier about how [ridiculously] excited we were to shop in the store because we usually had to buy our pods online. (I initially included the phrase “ridiculously” in this draft. Then I added the brackets. Then I realized that including that word to justify my emotions was kind of like apologizing, so I went back and edited it out. But I wanted you all to see it because even while writing an article about not needing to apologize my inclination to do so remains incredibly strong. This is a serious problem.)
When it was time to check out, she asked me for my phone number. Begrudgingly, I gave it to her. I hate giving my phone number to purchase something.
“Hmmm,” she said, “you’re not in the system.”
Then she asked for my email. I gave it to her, even thought I knew it also was not in the system. In the past, I’d always ordered our Nespresso pods from Amazon (a fact which I felt guilty about at the time and almost justified with a disclaimer about how bad I know this ie here). After some back and forth she offered to set up an account for us. I didn’t really want the account. In the interest of full disclosure, and without apology, I full intend to keep buying my Nespresso pods from Amazon. But I agreed, for the sake of politeness.
And still, for some completely illogical reason, I found myself apologizing to her for having to go to the trouble.
Looking back… Nope, scratch that, even in the moment it seemed ridiculous. Here I was buying overpriced coffee pods, handing over not only my money but also my email and phone number and apologizing for A) not having done it sooner and B) the women having to tap some extra keys on the keyboard to make the sale–a task which was definitely not onerous and was part of her job.
I was so mad at myself for apologizing to this woman for no reason. And for doing it in front of my daughter. I should be teaching her stop apologizing when she has done nothing wrong, but instead I was the perfect walking, talking mode of “what not to do.”
Why women over-apologize
Women and girls have an almost-innate tendency to over-apologize. From a young age, girls are taught to be polite and accommodating, while boys are often encouraged to be assertive and confident. This socialization continues throughout a woman’s life, reinforcing the idea that expressing our needs or desires is rude or selfish. Women also feel pressure to avoid conflict and maintain social harmony. This often lead to apologizing, even when we haven’t done anything wrong.
Women learned that it is better, safer to say you’re sorry even if you haven’t done anything wrong, then risk the wrath of someone’s anger.
This constant reinforcement of gender roles and expectations can create a habit of over-apologizing that can be difficult to break. Historically, women have been placed in subservient roles–wives, mothers, nurses, secretaries, etc. . .. Our primary objective was to make other people’s lives easier. These roles require women to be nurturing, passive, and accommodating. Because we are socialized to prioritize the needs and feelings of others above our own, we frequently apologize for perceived wrongs.
For many years, this was simply a matter of self-preservation. Women learned that it is better, safer to say you’re sorry even if you haven’t done anything wrong, then risk the wrath of someone’s anger.
Apologizing is often seen as a way to maintain social harmony and demonstrate respect, particularly in situations where there may be a power dynamic at play. Women are often expected to be more polite and accommodating than men, which can lead them to apologize more frequently. Women may feel that apologizing is necessary to avoid conflict and maintain positive relationships, even when they haven’t done anything wrong. This can create a sense of obligation to apologize, even in situations where it may not be warranted. As a result, women may feel pressure to apologize to avoid offending or upsetting others, which can reinforce the cycle of over-apologizing.
Why You Need to Stop Apologizing
But there are so many reasons it’s important to stop apologizing–now!
Over-apologizing can have several negative consequences for women. It diminishes our credibility and makes us seem less confident and assertive. When we apologize excessively, it suggests that we are not sure of ourselves and undermines our authority and expertise. It can result in a lack of respect from others.
Additionally, over-apologizing can perpetuate gender stereotypes that women are weak, passive, and overly emotional. This in turn can limit our opportunities for advancement in the workplace and other areas of life.
Over-apologizing can also lead to self-deprecation and a lack of self-esteem. So many women and girls struggle with idea that we are not good enough–we are not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not confident enough, not worthy enough. This leads to feelings of self-doubt and can even give rise to more serious health issues like anxiety and depression.
7 Things to Stop Apologizing for Right Now
So, let’s collectively decide that we are going to stop apologizing just to keep the peace. Here are 7 things–from inconsequential to incredibly important–that you can stop apologizing for right now.
1. Someone bumps into you
Have you ever found yourself apologizing to someone who runs into you on the street or in a store, or opens a door into you? The natural tendency to apologize and make others feel at ease often rears its ugly head when someone bumps into you. You can stop apologizing for someone else’s clumsiness.
2. Not being a mind reader
The other day I was having coffee at a friend’s house and one of other friends asked if she had any fat-free cinnamon-vanilla coffee creamer. I think we can all agree that that is a very specific request. And it’s no surprise that the requested creamer was not on hand. My friend acted like she was the worst hostess in the world. She apologized again and again and again for not anticipating her friend’s request.
You are not a mind reader. You cannot be expected to know everyone’s like and dislikes nor to accommodate everyone’s preference. You need to stop apologizing for not being clairvoyant.
You can and should ask about allergies and dietary preferences before hosting an event. This is respectful and just good manners. But you don’t have to cater to everyone who works through your door.
3. The self checkout-line of the grocery store broke again
You probably have a not insignificant number of self check-out lines in your grocery stores. And, unless you are really lucky, those lines can be kind of finicky sometimes (or every time if you live near me and shop in my grocery store). When the light starts blinking, there is a natural tendency to glance sheepishly at the line behind you (because there is always a line behind you) and apologize.
I’ve done this myself more times than I can count. And I’ve been on the receiving end of the self-checkout malfunction apology pretty much every time I’ve gone to the store.
But you can stop apologizing for this right now. It’s not your fault. You did not install the machine. You did not program it to work so poorly. You did not choose to replace human workers with computers. You did not cut the staff at the store so that it takes ten minutes to summon help.
All you did was to try and buy your groceries and get home in time for dinner. You don’t have to apologize for malfunctions beyond your control.
4. You served cereal for dinner (or you grabbed take-out)
If you are reading this article, you probably have some responsibility for fixing meals for your family (at least some of the time). This is a thankless task you do multiple times a day, only to have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.
Whether you love to cook or hate it or your culinary skills rival Rachel Ray or you frequently burn the toast, you can stop apologizing for serving a less than “perfect” dinner. The chili tasted bland? Too bad! The chicken was overcooked? Oh well. You had leftovers? No big deal. McDonalds? Chipotle? Pizza? for the third time this week? Who cares?
5. Asking for what you want and need
You never have to apologize for asking for what you want. Whether that’s ranch dressing on the side, someone to take out the garbage, or wanting to workout every Saturday morning.
It is important to assert yourself and communicate needs clearly. Prioritizing one’s needs is a vital aspect of self-care, and women should not feel guilty for putting their own needs first.
Your wants and needs are important. They matter. You matter.
That said. asking for what you want and getting it aren’t always the same thing. If you really need the fat-free cinnamon-vanilla coffee creamer maybe you should bring your own. (wink, wink)
6. Saying “no.”
This might be the most important item on the list. Saying “no” is a boundary-setting tool that women should feel empowered to use without apologizing. When are you are asked to do something that you don’t want to do you don’t need to offer any excuse, explanation, or apology. Simply say, “No. Thank you but that doesn’t work for me right now.” It’s time to stop apologizing for saying no.
7. Expressing your emotions
Finally, you should not apologize for expressing your emotions, as emotions are a natural part of the human experience and should be honored and validated. By recognizing these five things as valid and important aspects of a woman’s life, women can begin to break the cycle of over-apologizing and reclaim their power and agency.
How to stop apologizing
There are several concrete steps that you can take to stop over-apologizing.
The first step is simply being mindful. Try and notice when and why you apologize. This awareness can help you catch yourself before apologizing unnecessarily.
Use assertive language to communicate your needs without feeling the need to apologize. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry, but can I ask a question?” you could say “Can I ask a question?” or “I have a question.”
Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you to be assertive and confident. This can be helpful in building your self-esteem.
Finally, practe self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. respect yourself. This can help you break the cycle of self-doubt that fuels over-apologizing.
Want some more tips to make it easier to stop apologizing? This article gives you some things to say instead.
You can’t please everyone, so stop trying. Just please yourself.
And don’t worry . . . I know this isn’t easy. Old habits die hard. You are probably aren’t going to be able to stop apologizing over night. But for goodness sakes, don’t beat yourself up about it. You don’t have to apologize for apologizing.
